Reinventing myself

I am here. At a crossroads. I know it, I sense it. How did I get here? Let’s go back a few months.

A year ago, I was working abroad in an enchanting South Pacific island. I am talking bathing suits, pareo, barefoot, and chilled white wine every day after work! yup, that was life for 2 beautiful years. As mesmerizing as it was, this island tore me from everything I knew: major out of the box experience! All my professional, cultural, and social references were useless. Needless to say, I struggled to feel a somewhat sense of belonging. Intense shock for the type A character I am. My stubbornness, or should I say, my survival instinct took over. I decided that since I could not control my external environment, I would control my personal experience of my surroundings. 

I delved into self-help books and podcasts. I was not new to personal development however I introduced a twist: habits. My interest was not only to develop habits, but mainly to understand the science behind habits. Several books and podcasts later,  I had trained my mind to a morning routine starting at 5A.M. I am proud to say that 3 years later, my morning routine is still kicking and active. Now that I knew how to wire my brain to any habits it was only natural that other areas of my life followed suit : I removed much processed foods from our family diet, we transferred to organics mainly vegetables and meats, and I grew into a DIY queen of beauty and cleaning products. Within 3 months, a new set of beliefs expanded. It was a major decluttering of mind, body, and spirit.

The new belief system was accompanied by L.O.V.E. Loving the most important person ; me, myself, and I. Learning to love myself has been an adventure and an eye-opener in itself. As a friend rightfully pointed out: how in the world do you know you love yourself? Her question, a valid one, caught me by surprise because you don’t wake up one enchanted morning  praising your self-love, right? More importantly, her question allowed me to step out of my head and body; like a mirror effect I observed myself. the process was a gradual and subtle one, that is to say, you must know yourself well to recognize the barely noticeable distinctions.

In my case: my laughter tone was modified from a loud polished to a loud guttural sound. I started uttering the big word: NO! and what’s interesting is that my negative answer was no longer accompanied by guilt followed by an extensive explanation as justification. In hindsight I realized how that explanation was in fact an apology of who I was.

My life thus far was a sum of too many events I did not need to attend, people I did not care to socialize with, conversations I did not fancy. Nope I was done! My time, my energy, and my money are now dispensed on things that matter to me and are aligned with my life manifesto.

Learning to say No, in honesty and politeness, allowed me to set my boundaries, which in turn, rolled into efficiency mode. Doing right the first time is a motto ruling my life. I now find myself with extra time spent at leisure: dancing classes, reading, activities with kids and hubby. Loving, forgiving, and nurturing myself is now the cornerstone of my life manifesto. One could argue that it is selfish and narcistic, to which I respond quite the opposite.  As Brene Brown puts it: you cannot love your child more than you love yourself, replace child by friends, husband, etc. That is to say only when your glass of water is full can you  pour some. 

Imperfect Me

Read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown and boy has it unearthed some heavy stuff from within. From the first chapter I said Damn Brene! by the end, Thanks Brene!

I realized that I deliberately decided to let go of my creative life (play, photography, writing) because I wanted the life prescribed in most TV shows of the 90’s: corporate career, nice house, nice car, well behaved kids, nice husband, bla bla bla….
For the past 5 years or more I have been functioning in a trance, awaiting the perfect alignment of ideal weight, ideal inspiration, ideal career, to launch my so called real life. Throughout this haze I lost connection with my kids – gosh that’s a hard one to swallow – my husband, and myself. I was so absorbed in ME and my self worth that I missed out on the abundance of love, laughther, and joy right in our house, which is to say LIFE itself.

I recently posted on my work computer a note from a tea bag which read: the purpose of life is to enjoy every moment. We often read truth  like these but do not always grasp its roots until a major awakening. I sure am awake today and for days to come so help me God!
I here proclaim that I now choose to be disliked by others but liked by myself,  in order to reach my true self. To let my light shine through.