Reinventing myself

I am here. At a crossroads. I know it, I sense it. How did I get here? Let’s go back a few months.

A year ago, I was working abroad in an enchanting South Pacific island. I am talking bathing suits, pareo, barefoot, and chilled white wine every day after work! yup, that was life for 2 beautiful years. As mesmerizing as it was, this island tore me from everything I knew: major out of the box experience! All my professional, cultural, and social references were useless. Needless to say, I struggled to feel a somewhat sense of belonging. Intense shock for the type A character I am. My stubbornness, or should I say, my survival instinct took over. I decided that since I could not control my external environment, I would control my personal experience of my surroundings. 

I delved into self-help books and podcasts. I was not new to personal development however I introduced a twist: habits. My interest was not only to develop habits, but mainly to understand the science behind habits. Several books and podcasts later,  I had trained my mind to a morning routine starting at 5A.M. I am proud to say that 3 years later, my morning routine is still kicking and active. Now that I knew how to wire my brain to any habits it was only natural that other areas of my life followed suit : I removed much processed foods from our family diet, we transferred to organics mainly vegetables and meats, and I grew into a DIY queen of beauty and cleaning products. Within 3 months, a new set of beliefs expanded. It was a major decluttering of mind, body, and spirit.

The new belief system was accompanied by L.O.V.E. Loving the most important person ; me, myself, and I. Learning to love myself has been an adventure and an eye-opener in itself. As a friend rightfully pointed out: how in the world do you know you love yourself? Her question, a valid one, caught me by surprise because you don’t wake up one enchanted morning  praising your self-love, right? More importantly, her question allowed me to step out of my head and body; like a mirror effect I observed myself. the process was a gradual and subtle one, that is to say, you must know yourself well to recognize the barely noticeable distinctions.

In my case: my laughter tone was modified from a loud polished to a loud guttural sound. I started uttering the big word: NO! and what’s interesting is that my negative answer was no longer accompanied by guilt followed by an extensive explanation as justification. In hindsight I realized how that explanation was in fact an apology of who I was.

My life thus far was a sum of too many events I did not need to attend, people I did not care to socialize with, conversations I did not fancy. Nope I was done! My time, my energy, and my money are now dispensed on things that matter to me and are aligned with my life manifesto.

Learning to say No, in honesty and politeness, allowed me to set my boundaries, which in turn, rolled into efficiency mode. Doing right the first time is a motto ruling my life. I now find myself with extra time spent at leisure: dancing classes, reading, activities with kids and hubby. Loving, forgiving, and nurturing myself is now the cornerstone of my life manifesto. One could argue that it is selfish and narcistic, to which I respond quite the opposite.  As Brene Brown puts it: you cannot love your child more than you love yourself, replace child by friends, husband, etc. That is to say only when your glass of water is full can you  pour some. 

My Sexual Aha Moment

My hubby and I met 14 years ago at an alumni reunion. I had been purposely single for the past 5 years. Five years I spent enjoying the dating scene, or to put it more bluntly, consuming men with no strings attached. In my 20 something mind, life was sweet: I was single, young, and attractive. It was in this frivolous frame of mind that I met my would-be husband. So naturally for me, after a couple of months I was uneasy and wanted out, yet his aura of confidence drew me closer. After six months, realizing that I had butterflies twisting my tummy at the thoughts of me made me panic with fear of falling in love. I could no longer contain myself and told him it was over, all the while hoping he would plead me to stay. He did not. I then sat on my ego and stayed. One of my best decision so far.

Our relationship has had our share of the good, the bad, and the ugly. One of those ugly adventures was a long sexless period of time, how long you ask? Hum, about 2 months, yikes! Anyhow, after a long discussion for the reasons we went along ignoring each other’s needs, we had a great make-up sex.

The day after when I realized that was deeply in tune with my husband. My aha moment came from the realization that sex nurtures the loving bond between two soulmates. Sexual intercourse is sacred: it is Love with a capital L. Sexual intercourse is a divine bridge between humans and God.

Unfortunately, our society has transformed sex into a consumable. Our generation of kids is exposed to it earlier than before but don’t know better since they copycat their adult siblings. Heck, I went along that road myself.

I wish I had come to this realization sooner. However, I am consoling myself by knowing that my kids will learn about the sacredness of sex sooner than I did.

To Love with a capital L!